I actually painted this 8×10 picture of my darling Pippin a while back, at the beginning of the football season.  Now the season is winding up, but watching football is always the same, isn’t it?  At least in terms of our comfort foods, a beer, a Bloody Mary, nachos….

Here is a poem for football fans.  It goes along with nachos and beer.  It’s about iceberg lettuce, the football fan’s health food.

The Iceberg Theory

all the food critics hate iceberg lettuce.

you’d think romaine was descended from

orpheus’s laurel wreath,

you’d think raw spinach had all the nutritional benefits attributed to it by popeye,

not to mention aesthetic subleties worthy of

verlaine and debussy.

they’ll even salivate over chopped red cabbage

just to disparage poor old mr. iceberg lettuce.

I guess the problem is

it’s just too common for them.

it doesn’t matter that it tastes good,

has a satisfying crunch texture,

holds its freshness,

and has crevices for the dressing,

whereas the darker, leafier varieties

are often bitter, gritty and flat.

it just isn’t different enough and

it’s too g_damn american.

of course a critic has to criticize:

a critic has to have something to say.

perhaps that’s why literary critics

purport to find interesting

so much contemporary poetry

that just bores the s__t out of me.

at any rate, I really enjoy a salad

with plenty of chunky iceberg lettuce,

the more the merrier,

drenched in an italian or roquefort dressing.

and the poems I enjoy are those I don’t have

to pretend that I’m enjoying.

by Gerald Locklin