Lap Courage, 8×10, Oil on Canvas

You know how your dog is always braver when he’s in your lap?  He is suddenly fierce, scowls and barks at dogs who moments before were other interesting canines, but have now morphed into intruders?  He acts as if he will vault from your lap and defend the bench, the deck, your yard, …but then he doesn’t? That’s lap courage.

Here’s a poem that so reminds me of Paulette, the beautician in Legally Blonde.  She is so struck with the beauty of the UPS man, that she can’t utter an intelligible sentence.  Here’s what she could have said:

Why I Have a Crush on You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order

are never in a bad mood

always have a jaunty wave as you drive away

look good in your brown shorts

we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship

you’re like a cute boyfriend with great legs

who always brings the perfect present

(why, it’s just what I’ve always wanted!)

and then is considerate enough to go away

oh, UPS Man, let’s hop in your clean brown truck and elope!

ditch your job, I’ll ditch mine

Let’s hit the road for Brownsville

and tempt each other

with all the luscious brown foods —

roast beef, dark chocolate,

brownies, Guiness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies

I’ll make you my mama’s bourbon pecan pie

we’ll give all the packages to kind looking strangers

live in a cozy wood cabin

with a brown dog or two

and black and brown tabby

I’m serious, UPS Man.  Let’s do it.

Where do I sign?

— Alice N Persons

Instead, Paulette sings about “Ireland.”  Well, I think all this could happen in Ireland too.